Letting Love Lead the Way
One of the biggest hurdles I overcame on my path to becoming a meditation teacher was my intense fear of speaking in front of a group. Any size group freaked me out. I used to get so nervous in certain classes in grade school when I knew I would be called on without raising my hand. It had nothing to do with knowing the answer to a question. I did not realize it at the time, but it was a fear of being judged. I thought if I exposed myself to situations where I had to face my fear and find my courage, I would be cured! No such luck. I just got more and more terrified after each recital, play, or presentation I did. By college I would drop a class immediately if I found out there was any sort of oral exam, presentation, or debate. I decided I would just never put myself in a situation where public speaking was needed.
Then I begin meditating. There is a wonderful quote by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D from Women who Run with the Wolves:
“The way to maintain one’s connection to the wild is to ask yourself what it is you want. This is the sorting of the seed from the dirt. One of the most important discriminations we can make in this matter is the difference between things that beckon to us and things that call from our souls.”
This is what I felt when I began to contemplate teaching meditation. Meditation had been such a gift to me. Learning this simple practice had changed my life in so many ways. I felt connected to my emotions, had released years of built up stress, and enjoyed life for its simplicity, to name a few. My soul was calling for me to share this gift with others and I could not ignore this request. I knew there was still the voice saying, “But you can’t even speak in front of people! How can you teach!?” I kept studying, practicing, and trusting. I somehow knew that if it was meant to be, then great; if not, then at least I followed my soul’s call and it would lead to something even better. I grounded myself in my practice and I voiced my intention to be a meditation teacher to a few friends.
Then it happened. I was on a yoga retreat led by my amazing friend, Jen, and she asked if I would lead everyone in a meditation that weekend. She knew I had been studying to teach others. I said yes before I could think too much about it. This was no small group, about fifty people. My meditation teacher had taught me that when anxiety takes hold that is a good indication that my attention is focused on the future. So each time terror struck, I felt it and then brought my attention back to the present. I did this many times before the actual moment came when I went up to the front of the room and sat down. I had no script, just an idea of what I would lead everyone through. I immediately felt myself surrender. And the thought that came to me was, “It is not about me.” I was completely relaxed. I began to search for the fear in my body and there was none to be found. What I found instead was my courage. I have heard courage described as being afraid but moving forward anyway. I would disagree. That sounds more like a definition of suffering to me. Cor in Latin means “heart”. Courage is when fear is not at the reigns anymore and love is leading the way. Not long after this experience I heard a teacher say that love and fear cannot exist in the same moment. When I let go of the fear of being judged and center myself on loving who is in front of me, I am free to be present to teach. Does this mean I will never be nervous to talk in front of a large group of people? Probably not. But I do know what is lurking behind that fear and I know where to find my courage, in my heart.
What is it that calls from your soul? Have you asked? Have you listened? Stay curious, for your unique voice is also needed in the world.
